How to Speak Ratchet
by Sergeant Duck
Summary: I blame rum and a plot bunny held at gunpoint for this short "thing." Rated M for happy happy joy joy CMO cursing!
1. Chapter 1

**How to Speak Ratchet**

Congratulations on purchasing Cybertron's newest and most popular data file! We are so glad that you've decided to show an interest in learning the fine art of communicating, CMO style. Challenge that eager processor of yours with this unique combination of Cybertronian wit and Earthling snark. Whether impressing the femmes at the local oil bar or putting pesky Lamborghinis in their place, we can guarantee that the skills you learn in this file will have you large and in charge leaving other bots shivering in their armor plating. Why, in no time you might even find yourself matched with your very own self combusting engineer companion! So without further delay, we invite you to start your journey with Chapter One. Enjoy and good luck!

Normal boring "politically correct" version.

**Ratchet translation.**

I think you could use more training.

**You don't know what the frag you're doing, do you?!**

That femme is an aggressive go-getter.

**She's a fraggin' bitch!**

Perhaps I can work late.

**And when the frag do you expect me to do this?!**

I'm certain that isn't feasible.

**No. Fraggin'. Way.**

Really?

**You've got to be shitting me!**

Perhaps you should check with…

**Tell someone who gives a shit.**

That's interesting.

**What the frag?**

I'm not sure this can be implemented.

**This slag won't work!**

I'll try to schedule that.

**Why the frag didn't you tell me sooner you dumbaft?!**

He's not familiar with the issues…

**He's got his helm up his aft.**

Excuse me, sir?

**Eat slag and die.**

So you weren't happy with it?

**Kiss my aft!**

I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.

**Well frag. First Aid! Handle this!**

I don't think you understand.

**Shove it up your tailpipe.**

I love a challenge.

**Primus hates me.**

You want me to take care of that?

**Who the frag died and made you Prime?**

He's somewhat insensitive.

**What a prick; I like him already.**


	2. Chapter 2

**How to Speak Ratchet**

Welcome back and congratulations on completing Chapter One of How to Speak Ratchet! We are so pleased to see that you've chosen to take the next step in this award winning data file. In this next invigorating stage you will experience all new challenges when you take on longer and more complicated phrases. Be forewarned, we advise that you not attempt some of these phrases on lower intelligence bots as the sarcasm factor will be lost. But have no fear snark apprentice, we have faith that you'll successfully navigate through this chapter and be able to battle wits like a pro before you know it. Now sit back, adjust those optics to a good reading level, and absorb this fun filled information to your spark's content.

Normal boring "politically correct" version.  
**Ratchet translation.**

Alright, I can see your point.

**You're still full of shit.**

Apparently there is an issue here that needs to be addressed.

**I don't know what your fraggin' problem is but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.**

My schedule is pretty full…

**How about never? Is never good for you?**

That was a fantastic speech.

**I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.**

Asan experienced Autobot officer and Chief of Medicine my opinion should be valued.

**I'm really easy to get along with once you rusted scrap heaps learn to see it my way.**

I apologize if my response offended you.

**I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter, more responsible, less reckless, develop something resembling a personality befitting a sentient being, oh and prettier did I mention prettier?**

Pleasure to meet you; it is always nice seeing a new face in my med bay.

**You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. Get out. Get out now before I throw you out on your pathetic misshapen aft!!**

Sure, I'll be more then happy to listen.

**I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your trash compactor of an oral cavity.**

How much longer did you plan on staying?

**If I throw an energon goody, will you leave?**

This is the third time I've had difficulties with this.

**Ahhh...I see the frag-up fairy has visited us again.**

I can be very creative but it takes a lot to inspire me.

**I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a frag.**

Of course I remember when we first met.

**I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. For a whole three seconds I actually thought you had a fully functional processor.**

Its quite flattering that you are willing to talk to me about your problem.

**What am I? Flypaper for fraggers!?**

Go on…

**And your crybaby whiny-aft opinion would be...?**

Of course I'm listening.

**I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.**


	3. Chapter 3

I blame insanely unhealthy levels of caffeine to counter lack of sleep combined with the comment left by .net/u/2409522/ for this particular bunny spawnage. God…make it stop…*whimper*

**How to Speak Ratchet**

Well howdy fellow Chief Medical Officer cadets! It's good to see that so many of you have advanced to the next exciting level of How to Speak Ratchet! You all deserve a big servo pat on your dorsal plates! Don't get too cocky just yet though as Chapter Three is going to give you a whole new challenge. That's right younglings, we've progressed from simple responses to an actual scenario with responses and even a few actions mixed in! It is highly recommended that you practice these moves in front of a mirror to get the motions right before actually attempting on a live mechanism.

**WARNING:** How to Speak Ratchet Incorporated is NOT responsible for pre-mature "mechly motions" performed on sentient beings without practice. Side effects may include laughter, ridicule, optic rolling, oil leakage, and possible malfunction of any and all sexual/interface equipment.

Situation presented  
**Ratchet's response**

****Movement suggested or required****

Situation: You are currently standing in the Prime's office after being summoned by the big guy himself. Optimus Prime informs you that he wants to increase human/cybertronian relations by allowing human doctors to witness a few simple procedures in your medbay. Oh no!

**Your response: "I'd rather hump a human intercontinental ballistic nuclear missile then allow those so called physician monkeys into my domain."**

Situation: Prime is calmly accepting your misgivings about having foreign medical staff in your facility but is being persistent in allowing the event anyways.

**Your response: "Ok I take it back, I'd rather let the missile hump me… with Megatron watching."**

****OPTIONAL MOVE** Not required but it may help if you can manage a gag or dry heave motion while replying.**

Situation: Optimus sighs through his intakes and suggests that you are not being reasonable. The audacity!

**Your response: "Look, we both know you are not going to win this argument. You may be Prime, but the medbay is mine. Not yours; mine. Not Prime's; Chief Medical Officer's. Not the Ark; the med-fragging-bay!"**

****OPTIONAL MOVE** It is suggested that you emphasize 'fragging' by placing your servos on your hip joints and leaning forward in a slight 'loom' position. Don't let that taller mech intimidate you! **

Situation: Prime serenely smiles and agrees one hundred percent with you. But what's this? He slips in that if the humans are not allowed to participate, your next shipment of materials needed to make high grade may be delayed! Oh you are a sneaky one, Prime.

**Your response: "You son of a glitch."**

Situation: Prime gives you a friendly pat on the shoulder and asks you to make a list of requirements for the humans before their inevitable visit. Apparently your leader still thinks he is in charge and has won this argument.

**Your response: "Yeah, tell those orangutans that I will be irradiating the medbay in the near future for sterilization purposes, so if they wanna visit it's gonna have to be in the comfort of radiation suits. Oh and feel free to pass on that when I teach cybertronian medicine that I only give breaks every thirty one point six hours; so make sure those suits have urine bags."**

****SPECIAL MOVE** It is imperative that you deliver this response with arms folded across your torso plate and with a smug expression firmly in place.**

Situation: Prime's expression (what you can see of it) should be rather aghast about now and his frame somewhat frozen in shock.

**Your response: No talking is required at this point. **

****FINISH HIM!** Maintain your smug expression and return Prime's friendly shoulder pat as you walk passed him to exit the office. Do not delay departure as it could potentially give your victim time to process an effective response. Right before the office door closes feel free to flip your middle finger over your shoulder. Remember CMO candidates; you are in charge, not the Prime!**


End file.
